Narcissistic Abuse & Social Anxiety - What's the Connection?

Many people grew up with parents that either intentionally or unintentionally displayed conditional love. If your parent was a malignant narcissist - they taught you that you were 'bad' unless you were making them happy. Their happiness wasn't derived by the authentic personality they now had the priviledge of coming to know (as it should have been). It was derived by what you could do for them. This need to see you as an extension of themselves, causes them to reject and abandon your authentic self. 

Never being accepted as who you truly are in childhood breeds shame. When shame is at the core of your persona, you don't view your mistakes or wrong actions as bad - you view 'you' as bad. You feel defective, corrupt, unworthy, tarnished and unlovable.

It's no wonder that as an adult child of narcissistic parents, you battle social anxiety. If those closest to you, those most likely to have your back no matter what, deemed you unworthy and bad - the fear of rejection and abandonment runs deep and then extends out to everyone you meet. 

Your mind is flooded with thoughts like:

"They're going to reject me."

"I'm not good enough."

"They can tell something is wrong with me."

"I will never be normal."

"Something is wrong with me."

"Once they know who I really am they won't like me."

"I'm a freak."

"I hate myself."

"If I show who I really am they will abandon me."

These are the thoughts that were born out of the rejection and abandonment of your authentic self. They become the subconscious programs that run your external life.

What makes matters worse, is that those that are raised in this way often re-create these dynamics in the romantic relationships they find themselves in and their significant other often causes them to feel the very same painful emotions they felt in childhood. 

And just when you think it can't get any worse - If that significant other is a covert narcissist - they will set you up to look crazy in social situations. They start drama, create chaos, cause anxiety and spin mindlessly in circular arguments flinging false accusations and derogatory insults before every social situation. When you enter the social situation you are a mess!!!! (How could you not be????) And they are.... calm, laughing, the center of attention. It's enough to make you wonder if you are going crazy.

What many don't understand is that covert narcissists argue to release their own pent up anger, shame and self loathing. Via arguing, they fling these emotions onto you and they truly, actually.... feel better!!! 

Therefore, everyone at the party or get together sees the covert narcissist as such an 'amazing, happy' person and YOU as ..... a mess!!!

This is why so many that were raised in toxic environments, who went on to be in relationships with toxic people battle social anxiety. The brain re-wires as a result of the trauma and abuse. Detoxing from abusive people is only the first step toward healing - but it will not re-wire your brain. This is something that each individual has to take time to do so as to overcome the side effects of the social anxiety that has been ingrained into the psyche as a result of narcissistic abuse.

In the School of Transformation - the last week of every month is dedicated to helping individuals overcome #socialanxiety. While we talk about it, while we learn what helps - we also take action. Students participate in a hierarchy of goals designed to help them to face the social anxiety in a safe and encouraging environment. You CAN overcome the side effects of narcissistic abuse, and thanks to the School of Transformation - you don't have to do it alone!!