Healing Through Conflict: Why Understanding Narcissistic Anger is Key to Your Recovery

 Conflict is a part of life. Everyone has faced a disagreement, an argument, or a situation where things got heated with another person. It’s a natural, sometimes uncomfortable, but ultimately vital aspect of human relationships. But what if the conflict you’re experiencing isn’t just about two differing viewpoints? What if it feels like you’re walking on eggshells, constantly trying to prevent a bomb from exploding? What if the anger you face from the other person doesn’t make any sense at all? If this sounds familiar, then you might be dealing with a covert narcissist.

As a somatic experiencing practitioner, I know firsthand how deeply emotional trauma, especially in relationships with narcissistic individuals, can affect our bodies and minds. Healing from this type of trauma takes not only understanding but also the tools to regulate the nervous system, regain our sense of self, and break free from patterns that keep us stuck. Let’s dive into what makes narcissistic conflict different from healthy conflict and why knowing this is essential to healing.

Conflict Is Not Toxic – But Who You’re Conflicting With Makes All the Difference

Healthy relationships involve conflict. Yes, I said it—conflict. Arguments or disagreements are not signs that something’s wrong; they’re signs that we are engaged in a meaningful relationship. Healthy conflict in a relationship is when both people express their feelings, listen to each other’s perspectives, and then repair the situation. Healthy anger can be an opportunity to deepen the connection. It’s an invitation to express vulnerability, share what hurts, and find a resolution together.

But what happens when someone is never interested in resolution? When every conversation feels like you’re walking through a maze with no exit, trying to fix something that can never be fixed because the other person isn’t trying to fix it at all? This is what it’s like to be in a relationship with a covert narcissist.

Covert Narcissists: A Deeply Fragile Ego Behind the Mask

With covert narcissists, their anger doesn’t come from a desire for healthy expression. It doesn’t come from a place of wanting to repair the relationship. No, their anger is an eruption of a deeply fragile ego, a façade they’ve spent years meticulously constructing. When their false sense of self is even slightly threatened, their reaction isn’t about the situation at hand—it’s about preserving the mask they wear. It’s not about the argument; it’s about power.

Imagine you’re standing in front of a house of cards—each card meticulously placed to create a perfect image of strength, control, and superiority. Now, imagine one small movement, one misplaced comment, and suddenly, that entire house of cards comes crashing down. This is what it feels like when a covert narcissist’s ego is threatened. Their anger becomes a defense mechanism, a way to rebuild the house of cards and regain control. You become the target, and the argument becomes less about the issue and more about their need to feel superior.

Why Covert Narcissists Overreact to “Nothing”

Now, you may wonder, Why do they get angry over seemingly nothing? Why does something that seems trivial to you—like talking to a friend on the phone or celebrating an achievement—trigger such an extreme reaction? The answer lies in their shame wound.

At the core of every narcissist’s behavior is an intense, hidden shame. Their entire life is spent hiding this shame behind a carefully crafted mask of perfection and superiority. So when something, even something small, threatens their image or sense of control, their amygdala—the part of the brain responsible for triggering the fight-or-flight response—goes into overdrive. This is why you’ll see them lash out in anger over things that, to a healthy person, seem trivial, illogical, or downright bizarre.

For example, I’ve seen covert narcissists get irrationally angry over the simplest things, like:

• Enjoying a hobby or passion (because it highlights your joy, which threatens their lack of it).
• Having healthy relationships with friends and family (because it exposes their need for control).
• Celebrating a personal accomplishment (because they need to feel like they’re the best, and your success makes them feel small).
• Just being happy, which is a direct threat to their own inner misery.

These reactions may feel confusing, but I want you to understand: their anger isn’t about you—it’s about their need to protect a fragile self-image that cannot bear the truth of their own imperfections.

The Danger of Fawning: Why You Can’t Make Their Anger Your Responsibility

As someone who works with survivors of trauma, I’ve seen a dangerous pattern in relationships with narcissists: the “fawn” response. This response is a learned behavior from childhood, especially for those of us who grew up in environments where our safety depended on keeping others happy. When we’re in a relationship with a narcissist, we instinctively try to calm them down, soothe them, or change ourselves to avoid their anger. We might suppress our own feelings, our desires, our true selves—anything to make them feel better.

But here’s the problem: This only reinforces their behavior. When you “fawn,” you’re telling the narcissist, “When you get angry, I will change myself to make you feel better.” This dynamic keeps you stuck in a cycle of manipulation and emotional dysregulation. You lose yourself in the process.

It’s time to break free from this cycle. You can reclaim your personal agency and emotional health by learning to regulate your own nervous system, even in the face of narcissistic anger. This is where healing begins.

The School of Transformation: Your Path to Healing

If you resonate with this experience, if you feel like you’ve lost yourself trying to make someone else feel better, I want to invite you to the School of Transformation. This is where I work with individuals just like you, people who are ready to step into their power and create a life of emotional safety. In the School of Transformation, we focus on you—your healing, your nervous system regulation, your authentic self.

Through weekly live Zoom meetings, we dive deep into the inner work necessary to break free from trauma and step into the fullness of who you are. We explore how to handle conflict, set boundaries, and break the patterns that keep you stuck in unhealthy relationships. But more than that, we learn how to rewire the body’s response to trauma and start healing the wounds that have kept you trapped.

This is not a quick fix. It’s a journey. But it’s a journey worth taking—one that leads you back to yourself, to your joy, to your authentic voice.

The Final Thought: You Deserve Healthy Love

Healthy love doesn’t make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. Healthy love allows you to make mistakes, express yourself, and still be loved and accepted. Healthy love doesn’t punish you for being human. If you’re in a relationship where you feel erased, invalidated, or fearful of your partner’s anger, know this: you are not responsible for their emotions.

You deserve love that is kind, understanding, and full of compassion—not one where you’re constantly trying to put out fires you didn’t start.

Remember, healing isn’t about fixing others—it’s about reclaiming your power, your peace, and your sense of self. If you’re ready to take the next step in your journey, I would be honored to walk with you.

Join me in the School of Transformation, where together we’ll create lasting change.