If you have been raised in a dysfunctional family where you were conditionally loved then you may have been raised to feel more like a human doing instead of a human being.
Breaking free of that generational conditioned behavior is not easy; it takes effort, awareness, a tremendous amounts of self-compassion, there’s a learning curve and of course application of information.
Knowledge is knowing what to do – wisdom is application of knowledge.
For anyone that has been in a relationship with a malignant narcissist, or alcoholic parents or simply anyone that was raised feeling not seen or heard – healing begins when you start learning about dysfunctional dynamics. Children tend to internalize their parents dysfunction – they think there is something wrong with them as opposed to recognizing that the real problem is the parenting, not the child. Because of unhealthy parenting – the adult child of these dynamics often has a blurred sense of healthy relationships, reality seems blurry, in fact their own self-identity is distorted, along with a lack of understanding as to why everything just feels out of focus.
Thanks to YouTube and other online forums – many people finally stumble on a video that opens their eyes. The videos become a lifeline – clearing the fog as you learn that everything you are dealing with in the relationship has a name: triangulation, blame shifting, word salad, narcissistic supply, double bind manipulation, silent treatment, narcissistic rage, changing the goal posts, etc.
FINALLY! Finally it all makes sense!
At this point many untangle themselves from the toxic relationship, they detoxify from all emotionally abusive relationships including non-reciprocal friendships.
And that is excellent!!! However, this is not the last step in healing – it is the first step. The next step is to change the focus from the malignant narcissist, or unhealthy parent to evaluating within what needs to be healed so as to never have to experience such crazy-making relationships again.
There’s the saying – Like Attracts Like.
Beneath the false image of malignant narcissists is a shame wound; their core identity is drenched in shame. Beneath many codependency traits is a shame wound. In order to not attract someone else with a shame wound that may be a malignant narcissists – it’s vital to heal our own shame wounds within!!
I will be honest – it’s a lot easier to focus on the other person, it’s less painful, takes less work but unfortunately it will not heal you completely.
I recently put up a video where I talk about 4 tips that can help anyone struggling with codependency tendencies; I will list them here but if you want more information – be sure to watch the video:
1) Recognize and overcome any denial regarding codependency traits
2) Educate yourself as to what healthy relationships look like vs. codependent relationships. (We cannot fix what we think is ‘normal’.)
3) Become aware of your personal codependent patterns
4) Breaking out of those patterns – working through emotional flashbacks
Once we begin putting these tips into practice the last and most important step: DON’T EVER GIVE UP! Changing subconscious behavior is something that is done through consistency and repetition!!!!
Nobody understands what you're going through more than someone who has been there. I grew up with narcissistic family member and had intimate relationships with malignant narcissists. For the majority of my healing journey, I felt as if I was all alone. I now dedicate my life to being the person for others, that I needed on my own healing journey, so that YOU never feel alone.