Forgiving someone that hurt you to the core of your very being will not allow you to gain the years lost, the years you spent chasing a person that refused to ever allow you to feel ‘enough’. It will not undo the damage to many relationships that were tainted by the toxic individual. Forgiving won’t give you back your health if you developed a autoimmune disease due to the chronic stress in your life.
I’ve found that the act of forgiving someone that hurt you is defined differently depending on who you ask. I recently posted a video on Youtube discussing why it’s hard to forgive narcissists or any toxic person, as well as why it’s vital to do so and not optional.
Here are some comments that go to show how some people view what forgiveness means:
” Forgiveness is not charity that you can give out like Halloween candy. It had to be earned and asked for by the abusers and in the case of narcissists, it might never happen.”
“I think forgiving is not quite the”right” word. but you have to make peace with it. and understand that you where part of it. because you where not strong enough, or and did not have the tools to understand. and be happy with what you learned. but that takes Time! be patient and be kind :)”
“Expect, and you are bound to get hurt. Cut yourself off from the past and live in the present moment and your life becomes poetry.”
“I don’t forgive anything, i just heal and move on. Forgiveness is a waste of time and energy with these monsters..in fact, it is just another form of supply that they can get remotely from you.”
As you can see – talking about forgiving a malignant, toxic narcissistic person can spring up so many conflicting views, and that’s completely understandable.
Sometimes it’s our mindset that keeps us from viewing forgiveness as a positive thing. We think maybe by forgiving – we are letting the person off the hook. Or perhaps we think they don’t deserve it.
I realized at one point on my healing journey that I was still carrying around pain from the past, almost as if I had a huge sack of past memories and trapped emotions flung over my shoulder and I was walking through life stooped over underneath the weight of it.
It took my some time before I realized that the anger and resentment that I had, was keeping past pain alive in my present life. The players in my life had changed – I no longer allowed myself to spend time with malignant, abusive people – but I was keeping the pain alive and it was preventing me from fully feeling joy and inner peace in my life.
That’s when I came across a definition of forgiveness that reached my heart:
“Forgiveness is the decision and the ability to end the negative energetic connection that keeps me linked to the person or past actions that harmed me. It does not mean that I think that what they – or I – did was okay, rather it’s a decision not to let past hurt or guilt continue to stain my present and overshadow my future. It’s not about the person that I forgive, whether I forgive another or myself – It’s ALWAYS about healing myself. Forgiveness heals me… and I deserve that!
Now – as awesome as that description of forgiveness is (at least to me) at the same time, the truth is – it’s not easy, it doesn’t happen overnight – but …. it is worth it!
Here is the link to the video entitled: Do I HAVE to Forgive the Narcissist/ Toxic Person? https://youtu.be/eksPWtWX26Q
Nobody understands what you're going through more than someone who has been there. I grew up with narcissistic family member and had intimate relationships with malignant narcissists. For the majority of my healing journey, I felt as if I was all alone. I now dedicate my life to being the person for others, that I needed on my own healing journey, so that YOU never feel alone.