I remember the first time one of my face to face coaching clients told me that they struggled finding happiness in relationships because… she found herself so bored with ‘normal, healthy’ individuals.
I was a new coach at the time and I’m not going to lie, I honestly wanted to reach my hands through the zoom conference screen and try to shake some sense into her. (I have grown as a coach from that impulsive time in my life =))
However, more and more individuals were seeking coaching for that EXACT SAME REASON!!
As my understanding and knowledge grew regarding the subconscious programming instilled in us in childhood… I realized that these individuals do not truly want to be abused or even in abusive relationship, they are not desirous of pain or even unhappiness – they are simply stuck in their old programming – stuck in repetition compulsion which causes them to repeat the dynamics of the unhealthy relationship of their childhood.
If you come across someone that is dealing with this – do not judge, do not get angry at them, shame or look down on them. They are individuals that need help in breaking free of that subconscious programming so that they can finally live life as they person they are beneath all of the trauma and conditioning done by toxic people.
I found this post on the internet…. I’m curious as to how many people can relate to feeling this way?
Personally, while I don’t agree with the logic… I must admit that I can understand why that logic is there and why it’s so hard to let go of!
Here is the post that I stumbled upon:
Hi all, I’ve posted in a different forum before but this is my first time making a new topic in this forum. I am a bipolar/ocd combo female myself…I hate to admit it but I’m pretty selfish and lack empathy in many situations that should invoke empathy in me. Long story short, I was with a narcissist on/off for many years. Although he has never been diagnosed, I’ve established that he definitely is one and he fits (almost) all of the criteria. And another long story short, we don’t speak anymore.
Here is what I’ve discovered about myself so far, nothing too ground breaking: nice, normal guys bore me to death. N’s are the only people who GET me and understand who I am. I know that this is something that I should look into more, possibly with a professional, but trust me I have tried. With normal guys (and by normal I definitely don’t mean average, I mean a good looking, intelligent, possibly successful, kind and considerate man)..their normality and everyday activities bore me.
When ex N would tell me about his day, he would tell me about how his brain worked and how he saw other people, etc etc (we were extremely close…and because we had so much in common, he confided in me about his narc tendencies and I confided in him about some aspects of my personality). Now…there is a long story about my ex N…. I have been conditioned to narcissists as a child (my dad used to be one…yes, used to be! there is hope for those you need it – as my father aged he started to become less and less narcissistic…anyway that topic is irrelevant and I don’t want to bore you guys, unless I have already) and I have HIGH tolerance for them.
The problem with my ex N and I was that I wanted to wait for sex and he grew tired of waiting so we broke up and remained friends. He started dating a new woman who pleased him sexually and did whatever he wanted – your textbook codependent type, and him and I continued interacting as ”best friends”…we would lock lips often, and he would tell me that I knew exactly why he was dating the new woman, and I did know, and honestly it never really bothered me…because I knew she would never measure up to me and understand him like I did. Needless to say they ended it after a while, and he started messing around with new women. I started dating someone too and I told ex N we couldn’t say friends (because I’m an impulsive idiot). He was taken aback a little and after telling me that the new guy I was dating was a total loser (they knew each other) we stopped talking and I think I’m pretty much devalued fully at this point I would have liked to stay friends..but at that point in time it just didn’t seem like the right thing to do.
Not-so-normal people are the only ones who are interesting to me…the only ones who GET me and most importantly the only ones that can TAME me – I find that when I’m dealing with a person more narcissistic than me, my own lack of empathy, selfishness, etc are put on the back burner and have to play the role of a super kind person because it is the only way to avoid trouble (and I’m okay with this, it makes me feel like a good person)…a popular narcissistic alpha male type makes me feel more energetic, more ambitious in my studies, more lively…it’s as if I’m addicted to the drama that they infuse in my life and it fuels me; and I gotta stay on top of my toes in order to please them. The ups and downs are extremely addictive- probably because in my personality I have ups and downs myself. Yes, I’m also depressed at times, but that’s my personality anyway…. given the type of person that I am, I’m prone to bouts of highs and lows. But when I deal with a passive, somewhat submissive and all around normal (though not average) guy… I tend to get very angry and irritated with them because they don’t control me (and this is because they’re genuinely GOOD PEOPLE! I should be grateful for this but I’m not)..normal people who aren’t dominating bore me very quickly and this frustrates me immensely. I have to be the dominating one and I HATE that, absolutely hate it – I know some women love to be dominating in their relationships but it repulses me when a man isn’t dominating. By dominating/controlling, I don’t mean that I want a man to control my every move…but I want a man to tell me to shut up sometimes and to show aggression in his behavior.. this makes my sadomasochistic side satiated and I find it really attractive.
And normal people’s minds don’t work the way mine does…so their daily ways of thinking put me to sleep….granted, I don’t win a Nobel prize every day of my life but my way of thinking is different than a normal person’s.
Dammit, I just want to be happy, but it seems that I can’t – normal men bore me quickly and I find myself not being attracted to them after a short while and narcissists eventually devalue all of their sources of supply. I don’t even know what I’m asking honestly…. I guess I’m just ranting..I’m just confused and feel like I’ll never be truly happy.
Nobody understands what you're going through more than someone who has been there. I grew up with narcissistic family member and had intimate relationships with malignant narcissists. For the majority of my healing journey, I felt as if I was all alone. I now dedicate my life to being the person for others, that I needed on my own healing journey, so that YOU never feel alone.