WHEN BEING NICE IS DANGEROUS
I spoke with a woman who spent 15 years in a relationship with an abusive, covert narcissist. I asked her – ‘Do you have the tendency to be attracted to bad boys? Or difficult boys?’
“No,” she replied honestly. “I’ve never been attracted to bad boys, in fact I love a guy that is sincere and kind and has a good head on his shoulder.”
“What were your ex boyfriends like?” I inquired again.
“They were all great guys, nice guys that had a lot going for them. I don’t understand how I fell for a narcissist, what do you think I did wrong with this one?” She asked.
“You did nothing wrong – you were duped.”
This woman had talked on and on about how amazing her now ex was, how everyone thought he was gold, how she felt so blessed to have been “chosen” by him. Yes, how …NICE….he was. The whole world thought he was the NICEST GUY on the planet.
So many people wind up falling for Mr. Nice/Narcissist because they are attracted to nice guys, but they are people that tend to believe that everyone portrays what they really are. After all, they are honest with who they are, isn’t everyone else??
Sadly a narcissist has the ability to portray themselves as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. They fool people into believing this false image so that once they’ve sucked you in, the trap snaps and you find yourself stuck in a narcissistic web.
Does that mean you avoid all nice guys??
But learning the difference between a healthy, nice individual and a narcissist who is portraying nice is vital. Not all nice people are good people and having the wisdom to discern between the two can help you avoid much heartache.
Here is a breakdown of the differences between a good person and a false nice person:
* Display consistent integrity
* They have depth and substance to their personality
* They are responsible and care about how their actions affect others
* They don’t “brag” about being a good person or constantly highlight their good qualities for the world to see
* They are selfless even if there is no audience to witness it
* They are themselves without seeking approval from others
* They say what they mean, they do not tickle your ears by lying just to make you happy
* They listen to your pains and never throw them in your face even during an argument
* They build you up as opposed to tearing you down
* They are always the same, you never have to guess what kind of person they will be today
* They can rejoice at the success of others
* They admit their mistakes and flaws
DECEPTIVELY NICE PEOPLE:
* Integrity is dependent on the circumstances, whether it benefits them or not
* They are charming and praise you not because their compliments are truth but rather to get you to fall for their charm
* They are shallow and it seems impossible to have deep, meaningful conversations with them
* They desperately need the approval of others and if that means stepping on others or putting others down, then they will do that in order to gain praise
* They are manipulative
* They are like perfume – very sweet but often to cover up what is deeply offensive
* They lie easily and believe there lies, they lack any integrity whatsoever
* They will remind you how amazing they are and how fortunate you should feel to have been chosen by them